Blog Feeds

  • Nelly's Garden:  Daily Pearlie Report: Day Whatever

    6:30pm: Nelly in bad books. Refused to exercise Pearlie's leg by pumping it up and down. Said, sarcastically, "I'll have to have a word with these physiotherapists". 6:45pm: Let off leg-pumping duties as leg has 'gone cold' and will 'likely have to come off.' 6:50pm: In good books. Filled hot-water bottle and tenderly placed it under condemned and soon to be amputated freezing leg. 7:15pm: Got gold star after rushing in to room bearing small bowl of mashed potatoes and decl … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Chicken Fat

    I've made a couple of changes to my sidebar. Chickens are down to four since Foxy grabbed the last of the game roosters. It was that one called The One That Everybody Hates. Guess Foxy didn't hate him. Since then Plum and the remaining three ex-battery girls have been roaming free. It's not as easy for the Vulpine Fucker to grab them when they're running loose. Meanwhile Bert has been getting the hen run ready for 16 Buff Sussex hens. We're going to try electric fencing to see if we can … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Dream Holiday

    A friend of mine who is a diesel mechanic decided to have a holiday in the sun. He'd never been on a package holiday before but after a long damp winter lying under lorries in a cold shed he thought he deserved a break. About a week before he went he had a dream. I dreamt I was on a beautiful tropical beach. The sun was beating down and a balmy breeze was riffling the air. The sand was soft and white and the beach was fringed with coconut trees. The sea was dark turquoise. There were a few other people … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Facebookin'

    I owe Dan Tobin of Surgical Strikes for inspiring this post. In case you’re wondering he’s the only person I ever begged to be Facebook friends with me that actually gave in. What I like about Dan, apart from his awesome sense of humour, spot-on writing skills and innate decency, is his compassionate, kindly heart. I have 60 Facebook friends. There are 24 among them that I’ve never met in real life. Thirteen of that 24 are blogfriends. I suspect that at least two of the 24 I’ve never met don’t act … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Butterfly Buns

    Saturday Evening NELLY: The Van and Truck Man will be here soon. D’ye want anything? PEARLIE: Aye. Get me a wee cherry cake. NELLY: Righty-o. A cherry cake. PEARLIE: No. I dinnae want cherry cake. Get me a ween of thon wee butterfly buns. NELLY: Butterfly buns. OK. PEARLIE: D’ye know what they are? NELLY: Aye. I do. PEARLIE: They’re wee buns with the top cut off and cut into two and stuck into butter icing like two wee butterfly wings. NELLY: Aye. I know the kind you mean. My mother used to make them. … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  A Lazy Sheep

    The Scene: A kitchen in County Antrim . A clock on the wall shows the time at twenty past ten. A woman stands at the sink washing dishes. A man enters the kitchen. He is dishevelled and is scratching his head. Bert: Boys! Is that the time. I thought it was only about nine! Woman Who Speaks In Proverbs: He that lies long abed, his estate feels it. Bert: You don’t say. Is there any porridge going? Woman Who Speaks In Proverbs: He that gapes until he be fed, well may he gape until he be dead. Bert: Wee cup o … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Weddywumps

    .flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } Sonny Boy , originally uploaded by NellyMoser . I have the only Google entry for weddywumps! I like it very much! [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Congratulations

    News Feed Declan Liddy and Laura Kenny are engaged. We've known Miss K since she was a teeny-tiny baby. And she was a teeny-tiny one - born just after six months gestation. I remember knitting her two teeny-tiny doll-sized jumpers which swamped her. But she grew into a fine, healthy and clever young woman who loved horses, dogs, Africa, her friends and her family. Mr L is a very lucky fellow. [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  The Chronicles of Bertie: Early Spring 1967

    The following excerpts are taken from the exercise book entitled My News written by Bert in 1967 and lovingly preserved (thank you Pearlie) by his loving mum this past 41 years. Bert has given permission for me to reproduce his writings. 6 th February – 7 th March, 1967 Thursday 6 th February, 1967 I have a cup. It has a picture of rabbits on it. I take my tea out of it. I like it very much. Tuesday 31 st January, 1967 My Daddy had a little calf on Thursday night. I like it. It is black and white. I like … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Ooops!

    Oh my! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/7472490.stm This puts my little parking skirmishes into perspective.  [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Looking Good

    I wouldn't let a little thing like a torrential downpour stop me from going on my daily walk. It's just a matter of dressing properly. Bert said, "If you don't pull in that outfit I'll eat my hat!" But it wasn't just me looking hot. I says to Bert, "You must see this picture. You look just like Prince Charles. That's if he'd been on a bender for two days." Bert says, "Delete that." Hannah says, "No. Get it on the blog!" [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Roses Round The Door

    .flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } Bertie Mill's Dublin Bay , originally uploaded by NellyMoser . Kells, despite only being a small village, boasts two garden centres. This is not as widely known as it ought to be for there are quite a few people who have only heard of one of these. I patronise both and this is my opinion - If you want a bite to eat, or a pair of secate … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Mel's got a blog! [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Q&A

    Meme on loan from Grannymar Only one word can be used in your answer and it can NOT be used twice. 1. Where is your cell phone? Bedroom 2. Your significant other? Whistling 3. Your hair? White 4. Your mother? Home 5. Your father? Dead 6. Your favourite time of day? Morning 7. Your dream last night? Confused 8. Your favourite drink? Coffee 9. Your dream goal? Grandchildren 10. The room you’re in? Kitchen 11. Your ex? English 12. Your fear? Fire 13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Garden 14. What you ar … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Feeling Fruity

    Pearlie: D'ye have any fruit? Nelly: Yeah. Sure do. I've just been to Lidl's stocking up. What do you want? Grapes? Pearlie: No. I dinnae like grapes. Nelly: I have pineapple but I think it needs to ripen a bit. Pearlie: I dinnae like pineapple. Nelly: What about apples? Pearlie: Too hard. I cannae eat them. Nelly: Oranges? Pearlie: Too soor. Nelly: Bananas? Pearlie: Bananas constipate me. Nelly: Pears? Pearlie: Dinnae like them. Nelly: I can't think… Pearlie: D'ye have strawberries? N … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  The Queen of the Dreen

    Fave Niece: She wants a whistle. Nelly: A whistle! Fave Niece: Aye. A whistle. She says youse don't always hear the bell. I'm to buy her a whistle. Nelly: You'd better not! Fave Niece: What will I say to her? Nelly: You get her a whistle if you want but the first time I see or hear it I'll pitch it to the back of the fire! I need an early night. [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Take That Peter, You Pumpkin-Munching Bastard

    Imagine my pique when Bert told me that my pumpkin plants were being munched by a bloody rabbit. Where is Foxy when you need him? "Do you want me to shoot him?" Bert said. "Most definitely," I replied. "Then we'll eat the little bastard." So he did - and we did. And he was yummy. [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Sunday Morning Conversation

    Pearlie: Would ye luck at the amount o’ porridge in that dish! How does she expect me to eat all that oul slap! Nelly: But that’s only a tiny wee dish… Pearlie: It is no! And look at the size of that oul spoon. I thocht I toul you to hide all the big spoons from them carers. Nelly: I did. And that’s only a teaspoon you have there. Pearlie: It’s a quare big teaspoon. Nelly: Shall I get you a set of teeny apostle spoons? Pearlie: Mebbe. And here dear, d’ye see all the wee bit o' tea she’s le … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Mystery Photo

    .flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } Mystery Photo , originally uploaded by NellyMoser . Can anyone translate the writing at the top of this picture? It was found among Pearlie's papers and photographs. She hasn't a notion where it came from. Does anyone have an idea? Are those European guys Catholic priests? [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Who Cares?

    Pearlie has been home for just over a week. I think she is starting to settle down. Really it hasn’t been as hard as I thought although it is still early days. The toughest part and the part I dreaded most was the Invasion of the Carers. There are a lot of them. They start coming in at around 8am and are in every couple of hours until 7-8pm. They carry out her personal care and make snacks for her. At the beginning I wanted to dispense with the first one for all she does is make Pearlie a cup of tea and s … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  The Path To Gillies

    .flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } Northern Ireland , originally uploaded by Hernan Farias . I found this beautiful picture on Flickr while hunting for Ballymena stuff. I recognised it immediately as one of my favourite walks. Incidentally it's part of Hannah's regular journey to and from work. [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  A Visit to the Dingle Peninsula

    I had a smashing time in Kerry – literally! The first thing I smashed was the passenger side bumper of my car. This was the result of a little accident I had whilst pulling out from a shop in Limerick . He came from nowhere m’lud. And far too bloody fast and me in serious need of a coffee break. Which is what I’d stopped for. Being a twit I immediately admitted guilt and the wee lad was OK about it. His car was barely marked but as usual he wanted to go through the boring crap of garages and quotes. T … [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Ting-A-Ling

    Pearlie's home and happy with us all dancing attendance on her. She has requested a buzzer. I've suggested a bell. [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Father's Day

    .flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } my parents at home , originally uploaded by NellyMoser . http://www.flickr.com/photos/17223773@N00/sets/72157594202041118/ [more]

  • Nelly's Garden:  Bonnie Now & Then

    .flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } Bonnie , originally uploaded by ZMB . I've just caught this picture on Zoe's Flickr photostream. And that was Bonnie when she first came to us in October 2006. It's quite a difference isn't it? [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  The Wisdom of Henry #174

    Become one with the Tao, but do not become one with your towel. It is, however, ok to become two with your towel, and becoming three with the twins next door is keenly encouraged. [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  Back on the Banks of Des Pair

    What’s that? Am I awake again? I try to feel about for some heart pits. Or pocket plumbs. Yes, I think I may be awake. Strange Other Memory floods my senses, like a tidal wave of stuff that floods. Kind of the way water does. Only it is memories. Well […] [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  Shiny

    It was a dark day in the old city. Ominous storm clouds spread their oppressive shadows like an enormous shroud of Turin, only not nearly so mouldy. A few enormous drops of water hurled themselves onto the road like suicidal toaster ovens, but still the heavens persisted in not opening up. “Damn humid,” remarked […] [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Budapest 4

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  • The Dreaming Arm:  Budapest 3

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  • The Dreaming Arm:  Budapest 2

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  • The Dreaming Arm:  Budapest 1

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  • the dippeting grombie:  Jimmy Carr

    I have just noticed what a great comedian this dude is!! I was feeling a bit mopey the other night and he cheered me right up. I am definitly going to go and see him live - I love the way he takes the piss out of audience members. [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Change is in the Air

    I am on a mission to make some big changes for the new year!!! All the things I dont like about my current situation I am going to do something about. Starting with a new job!!!!!! I think the problem with a lot of people is they get stuck in a rut and are afraid to do anything different or take any risks. Well, you can live your life like that and live with regret OR you can do something about it!!!! [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  I am still alive

    …..but SO busy with work and masses of other stuff I have almost forgotton I have a blog. Will think of something intelligent to write soon. How do you stop an elephant from charging? By removing his batteries. A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you." Did God send you, too?" asked the child. "Yes, Dear," the mother replied. "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. He sent them a … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Long Summer Holiday!

    One of the best things about being a teacher is the great holidays!! I have recently returned from a two week trip to Ireland and still have 3 weeks to go before I have to go back to work!!! We managed fill the two weeks with loads of stuff including a visit to Belfast, Giants Causeway, the beautiful Rathlin Island, Newgrange in Meath (I managed to bump into someone who knows my Aunt who lives in Navan - its a small country!!), The Rock of Cashel in Tipperary, Vinegar Hill and the 1798 Rebellion Centre as w … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  A Gorgeous Brute!!

    This cat is so unusual with different coloured eyes!!! Here is an extract from a cats diary which I found. It is effective as it illustrates the way they exist alonside humans!!! DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 7 … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  A Big Dose of Harry Potter!!!!

    I am so excited because not only is the film of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix about to come out but the new and probably final Harry Potter book is published on 21st July!!!! I am going on holiday on 22nd July so I can't decide whether to shut myself away on Saturday 21st and read it all at once, take it on holiday and read it a bit at a time (if I have time which I may not) or leave it at home and ration myself to only reading a couple of chapters a day throughout August. Hmmmmm….decision … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Children

    I miss being a child!! I miss being able to go on swings and slides and roundabouts without people giving me odd looks. I miss being able to ride my bike on the pavement without elderly ladies glaring at me. I miss being able to say rude things in public and people just thinking I was cute. I miss the attention from older relatives who thought everything I said was interesting. But most of all I miss the freedom to do stupid things and people would think 'she's only little'. Now I do the same th … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Ni Ni Ni Ni Ni!!!!!!!!!

    I was worrying about something unimportant the other day and suddenly thought - how stupid am I being??? I decided then and there to never ever worry about anything again. Even the worst thing I could possibly imagine happening has a positive side. Even terminal illness, pain and death has a good side - at least I will know what is on the other side of death and find out about the afterlife. Even if I lost my job and home and had to start all over again - it would be exciting, something new!! So………… … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Who remembers Castle Sauberac?

    It is eleventh century England. Deep in the heart of the countryside, bumbling magician Catweazle finds himself cornered by Norman Soldiers. Relying on the unsure powers of his magic, he leaps into a lake to escape his pursuers. However he flees further than he had hoped travelling nine hundred years through time into the twentieth century. In unfamiliar surroundings Catweazle is soon discovered by Carrot, a young boy who lives at a local farm, and through him, Catweazle discovers that things have changed b … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Possibly the Cutest Animal Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The slender loris is about the size of a chipmunk, with long, pencil thin arms and legs. It is between 15-25 cm long and is found in the rainforests of Southern India and Sri Lanka. I just want to take it home and cuddle it!!!!!! [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Romantic Love

    Tristan & Isolt Night, and vast caverns of rock and of iron: Voices like water, and voices like wind: Horror, and tempests of hail that environ Shapes and the shadows of two who have sinned. Wan on the whirlwind, in loathing uplifting Faces that loved once, forever they go, Tristram and Isolt, the lovers, go drifting, The simmer and laughter of Hell below. by Madison Cawein The Arthurian legend of Tristan and Isolde is one of the great romantic stories of the Middle Ages. The picture above by John Willi … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Tagged

    I was tagged ages ago by Grumpy Old Man of the Border Cobblers variety and finally feel in the mood to provide five (more) things you (probably) don't know about me. 1) Quite often I feel like going to a fancy dress shop, hiring a chicken outfit, putting it on and proceeding to skip down a busy street making loud clucking noises at everyone in my path - one day I will fulfil this dream. 2) My ambition is to write a number of bestselling novels and make enough money so that my teaching is just something … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Work is Evil

    What is the point of a five day working week? Who the hell came up with the idea that the harder we all work the better we all are as people? Many of us have the idea that by working harder we are supposed to become closer to God or something. Well this is a load of bollox in my opinion. More chillout time would make everyone happier. If we had a three day week and a four day weekend all the people who usually walk around looking miserable would have time to say hello and have a chat with each other. Life w … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire. W.B Yeats

    Much as I admire Mr Yeats I must disagree with him on this point. I have found that a fire only exists to be lit in some children. others have to have knowledge stuffed down their throats. [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Plastic Paddy Amateur Scribbling Awards

    Last weekend I went to the Irish Blog Awards http://awards.ie/blogawards/ although my blog would not be particularly suitable for entry, hence I didn't. Enter that is. Being born and raised in London (even though my father is from Co Meath) hardly qualifies me as truly allowed to claim green guiness runs through my veins, and as for being a blogger, well REAL bloggers take it seriously, giving thought and consideration to each post, probably spending time researching what they are writing. They assumedl … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  A Prayer Answered

    I found an old newspaper cutting recently which containned a prayer which, the writer claimed is never known to fail. I think it was from the Irish Post or some similar paper which I can't remember buying. The extract read as follows: Say this prayer 3 times for 3 consecutive days and it will be granted to you. Oh, most beautiful Flower of Mount Carmel, fruitful vine, splendour of heaven, blessed mother of the son of God, immaculate virgin, assist me in my necessity. Oh, star of the sea, help me and sho … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Reincarnation

    When I was a child I took it for granted that we would all live forever. Of course I knew about death, but that was just the body wasn't it? Everything around me was so familiar I was sure I had been on the earth thousands if not millions of years and would be here for a few thousand more at least. Many artists and thinkers through the ages have believed in reincarnation, a knowledge that each of us has a soul, a divine spark that has lived before and will live again in a new body and this will continue … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Insignificance

    Fallen Majesty Although crowds gathered once if she but showed her face, And even old men's eyes grew dim, this hand alone, Like some last courtier at a gypsy camping place Babbling of fallen majesty, records what's gone. The lineaments, a heart that laughter has made sweet, These, these remain but I record what's gone. A crowd Will gather, and not know it walks the very street Whereon a thing once walked that seemed a burning cloud. W.B. Yeats This reminds me of the insignificance of us as phys … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Doctor Who - Aliens of London

    One of my favourite episodes of Doctor Who stars Chris Eccleston who in my opinion made an all too brief appearance as the ninth Doctor. He quit in 2005 after making just one series because he feared being 'typecast'. He added a cheeky down to earth element to the role and made the doctor appear more human. As he is not human and is in fact an alien from the planet Galifrey you may wonder why I consider this a point in his favour. I think Eccleston brought out a quality in the doctor which we can em … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  The Last King of Scotland

    Forest Whitaker gave an excellent performance as Idi Amin, a ruthless dictator who ruled Uganda in the 1970's. It shows that method acting really does bring results as while doing the part Whittaker ate only mashed bananas and beans and started learning Swahili and Kakwa!! He managed to portray his ever altering persona of charm underpinned with evil and gave the character real individuality, never being guilty of overacting which may have been the temptation with this role. Based on Giles Fodens' n … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Selling Sex

    When I was a child I was hooked (excuse the bad pun) on the film Pretty Woman starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Roberts played a prostitute who ended up falling in love with her gorgous rich client who luckily returned her feelings. The film presented the idea that there was something magical about the world of paid-for sex and that it was a bit like the story of Cinderella, a poor girl could make her fortune and emerge with no scars. I recently went to see the much acclaimed film London to Brighton … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Bloggers Christmas Social Event

    I heard tell of the following event on http://blog.britblog.com and am definitly going along - I like any excuse for a get-together and being new to the blogosphere I need all the advice I can get. By popular demand there will be a Christmas blogmeet in London! It will be held on Saturday 9th December from about 2:30 PM, probably in a pub near Covent Garden. I’m thinking about the same pub as the last London blogmeet , but want to get a feel for numbers before we commit to anything. These are always good … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  A Romantic Novel

    "Really, I didn't realise Bob was back" stammered Jane, hoping her voice did not betray the depth of emotion she was feeling. Her heart raced - last time she had seen Bob he had been the tall dark stranger with the pink ipod and the tartan socks she had fallen in love with, the man who had aroused her to such a crescendo of passion that she had found it impossible to erase him from her memory ever since, she could still remember his florescent yellow boxer shorts as they had fallen on the floo … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  A change of premises

    The Dreaming Arm office has now been relocated to: http://dreamingarm.wordpress.com [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Premier League looks to GAA for ideas

    It looks like the furore over the ridiculous commercially exploitative idea of Premiership football matches taking place overseas has died down after FIFA chairman Sepp Blatter effectively said "over my dead body". The Premier League has been accused of an obession with money and commercialisation which has been to the detriment of the football, not to mention the supporters. I broadly agree with this analysis, but contrast this with the attitude of a great non-professional sporting body, which ha … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Texans in Afghanistan

    Having seen the Coen brothers' No Country for Old Men (not a bad effort, but definitely overrated) recently, Charlie Wilson's War is the second film I've seen this year in which the main characters are Texans. Quite appropriate realy as a ral life Texan in a position of power will be out of a job soon! Set in the 1980s during the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan, Tom Hanks is the title role, a Texan congressman with a taste for whisky, women and cocaine, the unlikely hero (or antihero perhaps?) … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Primeval - a whole new can of worms

    After having been in the doldrums up until a few years ago (ie virtually non-existent) British TV science fiction seems to be going through something of a renaissance at the moment. The revitalised Doctor Who is going from strength to strength (even though it's not a patch on the old series - or at least certainly not on a par with the golden age of the show, the Jon Pertwee/early Tom Baker years of the early to mid-1970s) as is its spin-off series Torchwood -not to be confused with Touchwood the toad, … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  A Different Ball Game: The GAA up North

    I've written an article on the social and political issues facing the GAA in Northern Ireland for the GAA website "An Fear Rua". It comes in two parts: A Different Ball Game: Part I A Different Ball Game: Part II [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  What does BMW really stand for?

    I sometimes tend to be an overcautious driver, especially when turning right. This morning I had indicated to turn right into a side street, but took me time to ensure that the road was clear of oncoming traffic. The motorist behind me who couldn't wait two seconds seemed to think I was taking too long and showed his impatience by beeping his horn at me. I hate this. People like this have no consideration for nervous or inexperienced drivers (not that I count myself in this categoery, having passed my d … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Greatest Films of the '80s - Part 2

    Continuing on from a popular topic of conversation in student union bars up and down the county, here's the remainder of my list: Company of Wolves - Neil Jordan's post-modernist reinterpretation of Little Red Riding Hood story - atmospheric, surreal and mind-bogglingly captivating Gandhi - Dickie Attenborough's epic biopic of the man who liberated India, with Ben Kingsley in the title role Jean de Florette/Manon des Sources - Technically two films, but inextricably linked so I'll count them … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Greatest Films of the '80s

    A few nights ago (New Year's Eve to be precise, but that's soooo last year) I watched part of a programme on TV which claimed to be a rundown of the greatest films of the 1980s. Except that the films covered were far from "great". A more appropriate title would have been "Biggest Box Office blockbusters of the '80s". Ok, they did pick a few decent films like Dead Poets Society, Good Morning Vietnam, Crocodile Dundee and Rain Man, but such titles didn't fit in well with cr … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Franco-Italian relations on the up

    Guido Fawkes in his blog brings our attention to the relationship between French president Nicholas Sarkozy and the glamorous Italian model Carla Bruni. The idea of one our political leaders in the Hiberno-Britannic archipelago pulling off such a coup would be unimaginable. There is of course the well documented laison between Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik and the cheeky girl, but can one picture the likes of Blair, Brown, Ahern, Salmond, Paisley or McGuinness arm in arm with a supermodel? As Alan Partridgfe would … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  In praise of wee small oranges

    I don't like winter, with its cold weather and long dark nights. But one thing I do like about this time of year is the variety of small orange fruits like clementines, satsumas, mandarins and tangerines. Easy to peel, pleasant to the taste and oh so juicy - one of the hibernal season's few redeeming features. Be thankful for small (orange) mercies. Crap joke about a South American politician Which South American politician wears a burberry baseball cap, a shell suit and chunky gold jewellery and ca … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  I hope Yule have a good one

    To all readers of the Arm have a wonderful politically incorrect Christmas. [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Conrad fades to Black (or any number of similarly crap puns)

    Following the sentencing of fraudster Conrad Black to six and a half years, The Daily Telegraph , once owned by Black quotes disgraced former Tory MP, an ex-jailbird himself who served time for perjury and has come out in support of the bad boy from the Black stuff: “These offences would carry a lower tariff in the United Kingdom and Europe. If I had been on the jury I would have voted to acquit him anyway.” A case of the blind leading the blind. Dream on, Johnny boy. If we lived in a world where crimin … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Darwin’s Theory of Evolution (and insurance fraud) made simple

    Pretend to die in a canoeing accident, get your wife to claim the life insurance on it, grow a Victorian scientist-type beard and piss off to Central America, then hand yourself to the cops five years later and pretend you’ve lost your memory – and there you have it. Or is that the Creationist theory? [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Footballing n-Euro-sis for England fans

    Barney Ronay commenting on England’s failure to qualify for the 2008 European Championships summed it up perfectly in The Guardian a few weeks ago: “Next summer will be notable for the absence of people with painted faces drinking 12 pints of Hoegaarden while watching England play Sweden at the back room of their local Wetherspoons. The ongoing will-they-can-they-should-they-it’s-a-bleeding disgrace dialogue that circulates through every office, train carriage, school, building site and blog in the co … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Ryanair boss O’Leary gets called nasty names by writer in Northern Irish political journal

    "Romantic Ireland’s dead and gone It’s with O’Leary in the grave” The above quotation from WB Yeats’ poem September 1913 appears to prove the expression what goes around comes around. Although the poem was written almost a century ago it could quite easily apply to the present day, but the contemporary O’Leary is not in the grave (although many disgruintled former Ryanair passengers may wish he was) and in fact represents the antithesis of Yeats' misty eyed idealised notion of saints an … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Shoot 'em up: Morecambe and Wise glorifying gun crime?

    The papers report the controversy surrounding the poster for the film Shoot'Em Up . The poster has been accused of being in bad taste as it allegedly glorifies gun crime. I suppose the complainants have a point, particularly as the actor depicted, Paul Giamatti bears an uncanny resemblance to the late comedian Eric Morecambe, one half of the celebrated double act Morecambe and Wise. Perhaps the film's publicists should " wise " up and design a more tasteful poster. Cue deathly, eerie silen … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  On travel writers, comedians and Stuart Maconie

    I'm a voracious reader of travel books. There are basically three categories of travel writing. On the one extreme there's the learned erudite works for the discerning reader which really get to grips with the culture and politics of a country, as exemplified by the likes of Dervla Murphy, Paul Theroux or Colin Thubron. On the other extreme there are the whimsical books usually written in tongue-in-cheek style by comedians or other media personalities who embark on a specific task of peculiar propor … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Schwarznegger and The Simpsons: California Dreamin'?

    Quote of the Day: "Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. Sometimes I still wake up believing that this only happened in an episode of The Simpsons." Tim Dowling, The Guardian [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  How To Play Poker

    I recall the smoky evenings of my youth spent poker-faced with the old boys, all hunched or sprawled around the tabletop. I once watched myself put down the whole bank, much much more than I could afford to lose, on a measly full house. I knew I was only chasing the money I'd already lost, but the cards had locked me in and there was only one way out: go deeper. When the flop flopped, my luck vomited. I floated down from the ceiling back into my body to find it cold and disgusted with me. They say don&# … [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Stuart Maconie and the nostalgic north

    Having recently read Pies and Prejudice , an excellent semi-tongue-in-cheek travelogue-come-socio-cultural treatise on the North of England by BBC radio DJ Stuart Maconie I've just started reading another of his books Cider with Roadies . This book is a sort of semi-autobiogrpahical account of growing up in Wigan in the 1970s and the cultural influences of the time from Northern Soul to Progressive Rock, which later goes on to describe his bizarre experiences as a music journalist. This particular parag … [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  The Wisdom of Henry #173

    Good thing are worth the wait. As are hideous things. Hideous things are totally worth the wait - the longer the better. [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  "Insubstantial Transubstantiation" or "The Communion Winos"

    I came across a rather bizarre article on the front page of the Irish Times of Friday 2nd November on what must have been a slow news day – the main front page headline was about figures showing a drop in support for Bertie Ahern and Fianna Fail. I wasn’t sure if it was for real or a very early (or very late) April Fool's joke. It was like one of those news headlines which catches your attention only for you to find out that it's been written by "Loof Lirpa" (read it backwards if you h … [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  The Great Battles of Henry #7

    My name is Henry the Adequate, and I am a…. “Excuse me, have you seen a kitten?” “Yes,” I respond, heroically, “Yes I have. They are small and furry and taste like chicken. But I am too busy to talk about that right now…” I hurl the nearest minion of chaos against the wall […] [more]

  • The Dreaming Arm:  Anthony Clare 1942-2007

    I was shocked to hear about the untimely death at the relatively young age of 64 of the popular psychiatrist and broadcaster Professor Anthony Clare. Clare was a brilliant mind as well as a colourful character. He would occasionally provide commentary for TV documentaries like the popular science programme QED (including a particularly interesting one on the forensic analysis of the Shroud of Turin broadcast back in the 1980s), mixing erudite views with quirky humour, but is perhaps best known for his Radio … [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  The Wisdom of Henry #172

    If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you’re probably the executioner. [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  In the Ocean of Des Pair

    My name is Henry the adequate, and I may or may not be a superhero. Consciousness begins to fade, tendrils of the old familiar Octopus of Despair tickling about the back of my brain. I try not to think of The Wiggles, but the Octopus of Despair looks so much like the octopus on […] [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  The Great Battles of Henry #6

    “Excuse me, sir, Might I interest you…” “Diiiiieeee evil minion of chaos!” I howled politely, while simultaneously discharging a raging torrent of liquid plasma from the flamethrower embedded in my forearm, which is my way of saying, “Please don’t come to the door before I’ve had my first cup of coffee.” I’m subtle like that. [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  The Wisdom of Henry #171

    CONSERVE WISDOM by, I don’t know, doing something all conservationalized and wisdom-promoting, like planting a wisdom tree or something. Anyway, this whole “Conserve Wisdom” thing isn’t working out nearly as well as I hoped. Fortunately I have several new things planned that will make the “Conserve Wisdom” thing look like some kind of pathetic […] [more]

  • Henry the Adequate:  On the Banks of Des Pair

    My name is Henry the Adequate, and I may or may not be a superhero, depending on which set of memories is the real one. Unfortunately we seem to currently be trapped in those memories in which I am not a superhero. Please be patient - normal service will no doubt be resumed […] [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Brigadier Called

    The Brigadier called to Spiffield House this morning. I had just finished scanning the old financial pages. He was wondering what ever happened to the projected Congo trip. Most disappointed he was to discover it had been postponed indefinitely. Although I daresay not as disappointed as I had been myself. 'Cancelled? That is most disappointing! Couldn't you persuade your good lady to let you go?', he enquired, twirling one waxed moustache between nicotine stained fingers. 'No no. Nothing of … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  The Atypical Consequences

    I don't think I knew of Thomasina before the infamous bike incident. I was an untidy 15 years at the time, and she was 5 teenage years my senior. But after my friends and I heard about her disrespectful outburst, we began visiting her confectionery shop as often as possible, fascinated that a person (a girl!) could be so outrageous. In those days, a girl who committed a crime as serious as bad-mouthing even a junior member of the clergy (never mind the Bishop) could expect the entire community to turn i … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  A Stolen Bicycle

    The second time that Thomasina got caught was in the Spring of 1915, on the morning after St. Patrick's day. The famously bitter winter of that year had thawed as late as mid-March and all the dogs in the country cried with relief. On St. Patrick's day itself, Edmund, to whom Thomasina was sworn, forgot to keep his eyes on his father's cattle. One of them, the prize of the herd, went into a boghole and drowned. The couple walked miles out of Kilmorey Village that morning, half way to Bridgetown. … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  The Last Post

    If you haven't got something to play the Last Post with Here's the instructions on how to make it Click here for more on "Making Music With Children : Homemade Instruments With Everyday Items" Here's the music Made it? Played it? Now that you've finished playing you can visit my new blog CyberScroll because this is my Last Post here, apart from essential updates. OK , I've done it before blah blah blah… [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  In my continued effort to lose readers,I've gone and done it

    AGAIN Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (turn and face the strain) Ch-ch-changes Dont want to be a richer man Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (turn and face the strain) Ch-ch-changes Just gonna have to be a different man Time may change me But I cant trace time [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Soon, there will be a…

    change - an event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Don't step on my blue suede shoes!

    At lunchtime on Friday, the First Post reported… YOU MIGHT have thought that Nobel Prize-winning peace-maker David Trimble would have chosen some elevated politician to admire in a forthcoming episode of Radio 4 programme Great Lives, to be aired on Tuesday. Instead, the former Ulster Unionist leader plumped for the rather more sensational figure of Elvis Presley. "I became conscious of Elvis the summer of 1957," says the Nobel Peace Prize winner. "You could not go along the seafront of Ban … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  My Latest MySpace Friend Is

    Now in its second year, Homemade Jam is Northern Ireland's only free music and arts festival. Held at a secret location near the village of Derrynoose, Co Armagh, this year's event promises to be an eccentric mix of indigenous sounds and vision.In 2006, posing as a small, rural producer of traditional fruit preserves Homemade Jam unleashed a barrage of live music, art and design on a 400 strong crowd.One year on, and the Jam is back. The recipe remains the same - a little bit of oddity, a whole lot … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Battle at Kruger

    I don't often post YouTube videos on here but this is one I just had to. AMAZING! Added: May 03, 2007 From: Jason275 Copyright: NegativeSpace Media http:/… Copyright: NegativeSpace Media http://www.negativespace.com NEWS: We're going back to Africa with the National Geographic Channel to work on a special that will air later this year and will give the behind-the-scenes story on how we got this amazing footage. A battle between a pride of lions, a herd of buffalo, and 2 crocodiles at a watering ho … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  and if one green bottle should…

    A recent Googler found their way to this blog by searching for 'ten green bottles on the wall' The Bog Standard Blog came in at number 4 out of 2,250,000 for search results for the bottles under5s - 10 Green Bottles 10 green bottles sitting on a wall, 10 green bottles sitting on a wall. And if one green bottle … home > ten green bottles. under5s - ten green bottles. www.underfives.co.uk/10bottle.HTM - 10k - Cached - Similar pages 10 Green Bottles "Ten green bottles hanging on the wall Ten … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  1,2,3 Blawging made easy

    1 Read a news story. Ulster farmers call for action against meat from Brazil Ulster is still accepting beef imports from Brazil despite areas of the country "even larger than Europe" being ravaged with foot and mouth disease, it has been revealed. 2 Pick a crap title. We're not Brazil, we're Northern Ireland. 3 After copying some text from the original article Ulster Farmers’ Union president Kenneth Sharkey and Irish Farmers Association (IFA) President Padraig Walshe called for a similar … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Unicorns Are Real - the Bible says so

    First the $27 Million Creation Museum - a “walk through history.” Designed by a former Universal Studios exhibit director, this state-of-the-art 60,000 square foot museum brings the pages of the Bible to life. Now, another museum bringing the Bible to life, The Unicorn Museum . The Bible says… Job 39:9-12 Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? Wilt thou trust him, because his st … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Poll Position

    As an excuse to use 'Poll Position' as a blog post title I've added a new poll to the sidebar of this blog. It's about sexual positions. What's your favourite? Is it the missionary position , the coital alignment technique , the doggy position , the spoons position , the lateral coital position , the lotus position or the lap dance ? If your favourite isn't listed you can anonymously comment and I'll add it to the poll. Any reader who regularly has Axillary intercourse please let … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  shortstoryradio.com.

    shortstoryradio.com is an internet radio station that showcases previously unpublished original fiction to a worldwide audience. shortstoryradio.com gives writers an opportunity to have their work showcased on the internet to a worldwide audience, and listeners the ability to listen to original short stories on their computer, free of charge. Chosen stories will be recorded by a professional voice actor and published on this website. The recorded story will be available to hear for six months from the date … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  DEFINITELY…

    Best Blonde Joke EVER [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Thoughts from a grumpy old blogger.

    I received an e-mail last week from ***** involved in a local Northern Irish WEBSITE. The WEBSITE is described as A cultural atlas covering almost 300 cities, towns and villages, and exploring literature, theatre and visual arts, sport, industrial, political and blah blah blah. The e-mail read Contributing to audio material Hi there - I was wondering if you guys would like to act as contributors for some audio downloads that WEBSITE is producing for Channel 4. They’re basically small ‘trailer’ pieces, … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  A guide to reading blogs.

    Just read the title and the 1st sentence , like this… A miserable day for a balloon The Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams was grounded by bad weather yesterday. [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Pamela, Jenny, Abby, Gerard and…

    Kellie Marie Reynolds Kellie Marie has been writing Poetry since she was seven years of age. Primarily a musician, founding member and lead vocalist with Broken Tea Party , Kellie's work is rhythmic and lyrical. With a deep interest in the inner workings of the human mind and how the physical world is perceived and experienced on an individual level, her poetry is intense and philosophical, with a sweet undercurrent of gratitude for the simple things in life. At the moment she is working on her first an … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Bishop Boran

    The first time that Miss Dufferin got caught was amidst the poppies one fuzzy afternoon late in June, her nineteenth. Earlier that day, as Bishop Boran dined imperially with guests at Rudbane House, Thomasina strolled blissfully along the sun-bleached Kilmorey Road hand in hand with her most ardent admirer, one Edmund Garolly. Boran's chin wobbled pendulously as he sawed through a juicy helping of gammon and cabbage. He speared a steaming mouthful and stuffed it greedily down between the words of his ex … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  P>A>U>S>E

    This PC's going into rehab for a few days, so there won't be blog posts until it's fully recovered. UPDATE Got it sorted. Mr Jackson's the man (said in a black American voice :-) [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  I don't think I'd be blogging if I had MRSA

    The Paranoid Android tagged me with the iPod Meme. The questions are below, the iPod (or similar) is put on shuffle, and each song gives the answer. What does next year have in store for you? Oh God, sometimes I realize… That I really have no idea, no idea - by these guys. I've never heard that song ,don't know who the band is and couldn't think of any other song. What’s your love life like? I'm in chains by Tina Arena.Oooh my wrists and ankles are so sore ;-) What do you say when life g … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Live 'Webchat' on Wednesday!

    from the…. Hi all, Some exciting news for you today. Next week Duke Special will be taking part in a live webchat on Weds 8th August on Gigwise.com . Be sure to log in here on Wednesday and have your questions at the ready, Peter will be online from 4pm. If you can't be online or miss the webchat, don't worry. We are still accepting questions for our “ask the Duke” feature. To submit a question for this email polly@firstcolumn.co.uk Finally, don't forget that the Duke Special ' Store & … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  del.icio.us…

    [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  I've escaped from the clutches of facebook

    Facebook, that's right. It was fun for a while but was getting slightly annoying. Why be a member of a group where the only activity is new members joining? Why didn't all the applications work? How can anyone categorise 50 films in 2 minutes, I didn't even want to spend that long doing that. Why? Why? I must admit a 'compare' application was highly amusing but I'd need to get paid and maybe consult a solicitor to answer those questions and publicise them. CyberScribe is… The statu … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  trans & Urban Arts Academy

    GIGS What is Indie? 7.30pm, 2 Aug @ Crescent Arts Centre. £3 The European premiere of this documentary film that aims to determine just what it really means to be ‘indie’. After the film their will be a live performance from the band Ed Zealus. See below for seminar information. D Ramirez Doors 10pm, 3 Aug @ The Stiff Kitten. £5 before 11pm, £7 after One of the hottest properties in dance music today. Beatorrent 8pm, 3 Aug @ Crescent Arts Centre. £5 before 11pm, £7 after A 90 minute journey through … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Near Inishowen

    [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  What's all this about?

    from The Independent… Bernadette Devlin: I'm uniquely qualified to bring lasting peace to Northern Ireland She was the youngest woman ever elected to Parliament; she's been demonised, locked up and gunned down for her political views. Now, as her daughter faces extradition on terrorism charges, Bernadette Devlin says she has a plan to bring lasting peace to Northern Ireland. There's the usual history lesson about Mrs Angry, then She came to Step in 1996. Or joined with half a dozen others from … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Searching for - Let Me Take You to the Island, Literary Weekend, Rathlin Island

    I've had a few enquiries about this weekend, so here's the info. from http://www.moyle-council.org/events 31st August - 2nd September 2007 "Let me take you to the Island" Literary Residential Weekend, Rathlin Island Inclusive weekend residential costs £245.00 per person (£185.00 concession). Workshops in poetry, short story, song writing and drama. "This remarkable festival is the miracle of people uniting - despite the stretch of water, the journey and all the differences that sepa … [more]

  • The Bog Standard Blog:  Rock On!

    I posted a link for this on Facebook earlier and for those of you who aren't yet my friends on Facebook you could be. I rarely say NO. If anyone reading this ever wants to show their appreciation for all the blawging I do, please buy me this. ThinkGeek :: Finger Drums http://www.thinkgeek.com/geekt… Finger Drums - A small motion-sensitive drum set for your desk. Rock on! Thank You! [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Ghastly Bureaucrats

    A most incisive letter from Environment and Heritage flopped onto our doormat this morning. Ms Pendegrast it seems, rather took umbrage at the pig's advances and is now regulating quite forcibly. She's not one bit keen on my splendid boundary fence. Demanded in her letter that we take down the whole cabooshe. Frankly, that got my goat. Apparently the Department of Wotsit refused planning permission. I didn't even realise we'd applied. That must have been down to my good lady, she's a sti … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  A short game of chess

    The Brigadier despite a lifetime of military training served in neither the first great war (too young) nor the second world war (too old) and thus failed to fulfil a lifelong desire to stand and fight under enemy fire. He has studied every book on strategy in chess and memorised countless openings and indeed played almost daily since the tender age of ten, however he has never once, to his chagrin, managed to win a single solitary game. This he attributes to an unusual visual condition through which despit … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Spiffield House

    Spiffield House is a classical Edwardian mansion built during the high Elizabethan period in the Georgian palladian style and set within uncountable acres of Capability Brown parkland nestled in the soft lap of the Mournes. Building work began on the house in 1875 and rolled on through a bog of errors, false starts and failures until its final completion in 1580. The three storey residence incorporates numerous magnificently proportioned formal reception rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms. On entering the ballro … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  I think I think therefore I think I am

    Today I was struck by a most disconcerting realisation which triggered a crisis of doubt of simply stunning proportions. I sincerely hope I've got this all wrong. It simply can't be true, but then there really isn't any other logical explanation. It all started a few weeks back when I first noticed the appearance in my blog of an occasional incomplete extract from The Fellowship of the Ring, the first of classic children's trilogy The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, identical to the ver … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  A nice cup of tea and a sit down

    A person who flings their door wide to the world very soon discovers the existence of others whose trade is in menace with vile intent. For even the humblest bundle of twenties in the shallowest of drawers issues a papery stench that drifts through open doors and seeps along corridors to find in the end dark rooms where green-backed spiders tend envious webs. You know I was rather relieved to sit down to allow my senses to recover from their recent jarring encounter. My hostess suggested I taken quite a kno … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  You Think You Know

    YOu think you KnOw What's going on, buT you dOn't knoW what's going on. [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  An Alarming Encounter

    Of course, hearing about Miss Dufferin's recent difficulties, I simply had to follow up to Kilmorey Village to see her. Not so much to unfold the delicate issue but rather to lend a friendly ear or such. In fact I became a good deal more involved than I necessarily expected or wanted in truth. The shop door was low and wide open as usual and the dim interior seemed that day in a state of particular throughotherness . Hello Garfunkel. I hear you're a Lord now is it? When did you start all that carry … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Three is Company

    'You ought to go quietly and you ought to go soon,' said Gandalf. Two or three weeks had passed and [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Young Thomasina

    Thomasina started out with only her share (one seventh) of her mother's wit, enough to serve and stack and run errands. Later on she acquired a flourish which she applied to her duties with such aplomb that on her sixteenth birthday Mary proudly pressed upon her daughter's palm the key to the Ledger. Which was timely indeed for that very night the elder of the pair pulled closed the shutters for her last time ever. Not one of her six grown sons came near her funeral. The railway had years before tak … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Thomas Aloisius Dufferin

    It's rather well known that Thomas Dufferin died tragically whilst working for The Northern Railway Company. He left behind an expectant wife Mary and six young sons. His employer in recompense declared there shall always be a job for a Dufferin at the railway , and indeed kept true to its word for it took on Padraig, Michael, Samuel, William, Aloisius and Thomas Og each in his turn. Thomas had presciently foreseen his own premature departure and had thus secretly purchased a policy sufficient to keep M … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Miss Dufferin

    It's rather a shame you know: Thomasina Dufferin rarely steps out any more from her store (Tobacconist Confectioner) on to the dusty Kilmorey Village back street to which it fronts. A most pleasantly preserved lady she is, I must say. Her looks she gladly took from her mother and the latter in her youth won prizes at pageants. It's no exaggeration to suggest that Thomasina could pass for a girl of twenty-five or thirty. Many a man still upon meeting her first has struck a second look and smiled. Unt … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Pod the Poker

    I got chatting to Pod O'Hainlon yesterday. His manner was rather disparaging: You've let yourself go something shocking , he smirked and cast a mocking eye: Have you no respect for yourself? Perhaps you're right old chap, I concurred. But may I propose that the untoned physique is the mark of a happily married man: a badge of fidelity no less. Fidelity?! he spat. Feckless idleness and overconsumption more like! So how is the breadknife and family ? Very good old boy, I assured. I'll forward … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  A Plan is Projected

    I do enjoy the extensive lakeshore and surrounding lands of Spiffield House. What a delight it is, marching the old green wellingtons ankle-deep into the turf eh? Sucking in the sweet mountain air ripe with heather and gorse. I find it blows away a century of cares and cobwebs and leads one stepping afresh into the unspoilt footsteps of one's youth. I happened upon the Brigadier this morning as he scowled quizzically down the spring well. He was scratching his voluminous moustache and puffing out his wh … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  

    The talk did not die down in nine or even ninety-nine days. The second disappearance of [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  You Say Tomato I Say Potato

    The noble potato outshines the tomato. Observe: The thin blue line marks searches for the smooth red fruit, whilst the red line above reveals the somewhat spicular nature of those who seek the tuber. Google Trends [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  A Most Dreadful Carry On

    Shrew-faced Ms. Pendegrast of the Environment and Heritage Service landed up at Spiffield House with her stiff-backed clipboard yesterday. Sniffed and tutted the place right over. The visit turned out thus far to be quite uneventful, to my relief: Ms. Peski (the help) rustled up a cracking buffet of cheese and cucumber on Ryvita, but unfortunately she left the bally drawing room door off the latch on her way out. Well the pot-bellied pig stampeded straight in, polished off the whole spread and then turned h … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  

    When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Greenpeace Interfering Busybodies

    Well I've been getting quite the stick from the ghastly Green-eyed Peace-niks over a bottom drawer interest I have down in the Congo. Just can't shake the pests off. A jolly good deal that was though, if i do say so myself: I only scooped the felling rights to a hundred score quarters of virginal rainforest heh? King Ubangi-Shari (a first class gentleman, I might add) simply required the usual couple of hundred crates a week of the old Um Bongo fruit based drink quid pro quo . They bally love the ol … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Best Get To Work Forthwith

    Those ghastly bureaucrats from the dreadful Environment and Heritage Service are calling at Spiffield House this noon, the third visit in as many months. I expect they'll be wanting to stick the bally oar in: Pull that swimming pool down! Put that collonade back up pronto! Don't let the animals have the run of the house! I mean for goodness sake. What real harm can a pair of zebras and rafter of peacocks muster ? Best get started on the old cleaning tut-suite eh? Now where did I put the bally maid&# … [more]

  • Border Cobblers:  Jolly Strange about the Bees

    Just this afternoon I was middle way through what was turning out to be a jolly nice survey of the old lakeshore when I met the prickly-cheeked Brigadier leering expectantly over his usual spot along the dry stone wall and peering indecorously into an oddly rectangular hole in the ground. Rabbits eh? he remarked. Poppycock old boy! Too large for that. Must be badgers. Pishtosh! he snorted. Too small for badgers. Can only be that wretched fox. So I let the beagle, who until that point had feigned whatsoever … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  Prostitution of my Talent??

    I was considering trying to write a romantic novel. It might be a money-spinner. Lots of women read them. They are short. They are in simple language. They all have a similar story in different settings (some of them have sex scenes in - some don't). Boy meets girl. Boy falls out with girl (include some type of weak storyline). They get back together and go off into the sunset. Throw in a man who is strong, rich, good looking, really arrogant and domineering with no sense of humour and a woman who is be … [more]

  • the dippeting grombie:  The Meaning of Life (2) - Everything is a Joke!

    I treat everything as an opportunity for humour. I started to think about this recently when a strange old man in a supermarket queue called me a facetious cow. The lady at the checkout had complained about being cold. He had remarked that if she did more work she would be warmer. I then pointed out that it was difficult for her to keep warm when she was sitting down all day and was only given a thin blouse to wear. Obviously he was a rude disturbed individual with no life and a personality disorder but it … [more]

  • blawging it in 'n.i.'….:  A website dedicated to local signed or unsigned bands and artists in Northern Ireland.

    nibands.co.uk, is dedicated to local signed or unsigned bands and artists in Northern Ireland. Simply create your profile, upload your tracks and photos and wait for feedback. nibands.co.uk features audio and video uploads, photo and gallery uploads and many more features for FREE !!!! including 50 MB of space for uploads. Once your basic profile is created, you can simply edit the theme of your page and post upcoming gigs etc. Fans can leave their feedback on the blog, listen to your tracks and download th … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Smell that 'New Rubber'

    I've just had new tyres fitted on the Bandit after 8,000 miles and was advised that ContiRoad attack tyres were perfect for the job. So after fitting I went on a nice quiet 100 mile ride across the A66 then up over Alston and back into Newcastle via the A69. Tyres suitably scuffed, I checked them over and was terribly confused about the reverse tread pattern between the front and rear tyres. I checked directional arrows on both tyres and found they were correct. My friend has Conti-attack tyres fitted t … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Holidays . . . .

    I work in a small office for a large company and each year we have to juggle our holiday entitlement so we don't overlap with each other. Now thats ok most of the time, my wife arranges her holidays to my rota and everything runs very smoothly. .. My problem is, I want to go to the NW200 next year (2008) with my mates, but by the time the organisors announce the race dates in November, my office holiday rota will be filled. Without the co-operation of my workmates, I might not be able to go. I know its … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Am I the last NEW blogger

    At last, I've reached the 21st century and stumbled across something even I can use to communicate with the world. My friends have all had their blogs for years and I've always promised that one day I'd join them in their quest to offer the world their opinion on anything and everything. Does it have to be accurate, or can I just talk crap like everyone else. Today is the first day I've been let loose on the net. .. or yesterday was the last day you were Porky free. You decide which day suit … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Isle of Man TT v NW200

    In 2006 we went to the Isle of Man for the first week of the TT races and had a brilliant time. The weather was amazing and we even managed to survive Mad Sunday, although there were times we had to stop and check our underpants before eventually finishing the complete course. Then on the Monday night we completed the circuit going the wrong way round. We almost had the roads to ourselves. The rest of the time was spent watching the races and other bikers/bikes from the safety of a bar and doing our level b … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Summer of 07

    Where's it all gone, It only seems like yesterday when the sun was shining day after day with the prospect of hundreds of hours in the saddle during another record breaking long hot summer. April seems so long ago now. On the other hand, we managed to find a few days of sunshine mixed with the occasional shower when my friends and I went over to Portrush for the NW200. We hired a cottage in Portballintrae for the week and had a brilliant time. Sweeneys Bar will never be the same after Micky Mac's en … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Going off the rails

    A revolutionary magnetic powered 311 mph rail link between London and Aberdeen is undergoing a full-scale feasibility study by the rail transport committee. The trains (MagLev) don’t run on rails, they glide above magnetic tracks. But that’s not the interesting point, oh no, the jargon that goes with this press release almost made me spill my morning cuppa. A typical Maglev train would be 10 carriages long and carry up to 840 passengers. Operating at 60% capacity it would generate 40 grammes of carbon d … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Premium Rate Politics

    Another 0901 Premium rate number uncovered as cheating us out of our hard earned cash with phony prize and holiday offers. This time its our children’s pocket money they’re after…, Blue Peter for goodness sake, it’s almost a national institution, how can I wear my badge with pride again. But, this got me thinking. Should we ban all 0901 numbers. I was just about to create an e-petition on the governments website at http://www.number-10.gov.uk/ . Asking that all 090 premium rate rip off lines be bann … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Brake pads

    Well, after complaining about the back brakes making a screeching noise on the bike, I decided it was time to check what the problem was. They could'nt be worn out already for goodness sake. I'd only changed them about 6,000 miles ago, and if you listen to the ramblings of superbikers, most people hardly ever use their back brakes these days. ?? Well, it would appear (see photo above) .. that I use mine slightly more than most people. New pads front and rear, quickly followed by a three hour test ri … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  The year of the PIG

    Everything is falling into place at the start of the Chinese New Year for the PIG. I've finally been allowed to spend my hard earned cash on a new 2007 model Suzuki 1250cc S ABS Bandit . It gets unwrapped on March 8th, whereupon I am required to 'run it in' gently apparently!!!. Is it possible to ride a new bike and keep it below the subscribed revs (in accordance with manufacturer recommendations). I can't wait… second childhood here I come. Did I mention I was keeping the Ducati as well. … [more]

  • Bad News Bikers:  Nee Naa Nee Naa

    2007 has hardly started and already I've been pulled over by PC Plod for speeding on the A194(m) just south of Newcastle. They say I was travelling in an easterly direction at 90 MPH and I say it was closer to 80 MPH . We agreed to differ, even after they showed me the reading on their lying robbing money making speed camera machine . "Have they been tested on Motorbikes", I ask ?.. "Fixed penalty, 3 points and a £60 fine" they say. Bastards…… but there is some good news on the … [more]